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This article originally ran in on June 9, 2016.  To see the original, CLICK HERE

June 9, 2016


20 Things Overheard at the Sheriff's Office

In my twelve years as the crime analyst for the Whatcom County Sheriff’s Office, I’ve seen and heard a lot of funny and unusual things—some of which provided great inspiration while writing Collecting the Dead and the follow-on books in my FBI Special Tracking Unit series. Here’s a sampling of some of the actual questions and comments received at our office:

1) “I need to get myself some ID. What low-level crime can I commit to get myself a jail ID? Oh, and will it be laminated?”

2) “Let me speak to the person who takes off tattoos.”

3) “There’s a terrorist group in downtown Bellingham masquerading as a Bible Study Group. They’re trying to get my son and daughter to join.”

4) “I think someone has hidden a GPS in my car and is tracking my every move. Can you please come out and search my car?”

5) “I just had a call from the IRS saying they were updating their system. They wanted my full name, mailing address, social security number, place of employment, birthdate, mother’s maiden name, bank account number and pin, and my Visa credit card number with the three-digit code on the back. I gave it all to them. Do you think that might have been a scam?”

6) “Someone sent me a friend request on Facebook, but I don’t want to be friends with this person. What should I do?”

7) “I’d like to report that someone has been cutting my grass.”

8) “What is the number to non-emergency dispatch? Wait…hang-on…not so fast, I’m driving and it’s hard to write and hold the phone at the same time.”

9) “If I shoot and kill someone in my bedroom, am I going to be charged with murder or is it self-defense?”

10) “How do I stop a psychic from mentally stalking me in his mind?”

11) “I want to report that when I went to sleep last night my keys were right next to me. When I woke up, they were on the floor.”

12) “I need some advice. It’s about my son. He’s forty, and he’s done nothing with his life.”

13) “A Public Works guy told me it was OK to speed on one of the county roads. He said it’s a known fact that deputies don’t stop people on this specific road. Well, that’s not true! Just yesterday I got pulled over and ticketed! I’d like to make a complaint about the deputy who pulled me over.”

14) “I’d like to report that someone is poisoning my medical marijuana and it’s causing me to hallucinate.”

15) “I’m calling from Ferndale and I’ve come across what looks like a dead man’s body…Oh, I didn’t want to call 911; what if he’s just sleeping?”

16) “I don’t know if this is an emergency or not, but someone just ran through my backyard, jumped my fence, and yelled, “Please help me, someone is chasing me!”

17) “I’d like to speak to a deputy. I can’t pronounce his first name so I am going to spell it for you…G-E-O-R-G-E.”

18) “I was at a bar in Birch Bay last night and I got a bit tipsy. Can you tell me what happened? I don’t remember anything.”

19) “Can the Sheriff help me with my taxes?”

And, finally . . .

20) “I had surgery at a walk-in clinic and now the wound is infected. When I squeeze the pus, bullets come out. I think I have most of the bullets out, but what should I do?”


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